I think what scares me is that every day it becomes more and more obvious what I can and cannot live without. And you might think that knowledge would be helpful, liberating even. And it is. But it isn't at the same time. Because knowing what's not essential, that's great. You weed those things out of your life, and voila!, a garden. You need not worry about them, spend time or effort on them, or let them affect you in any way. But knowing what's essential, that's like telling someone when they're going to die, and how. You begin to speculate who's going to leave you, what's going to change or go wrong, all the ways you could lose yourself. You become this big lump of paranoia, curled up on your couch wrapped in a giant blanket watching shows you recorded on your DVR so you can escape reality for just a little while.
At least, that's what's happening to me. My psychologist says it's not normal, but the look she gets in her eyes when I tell her what I'm feeling and how I'm reacting, that look tells me it is.
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